Soooooo Anxious......

I can admit it. I'm soooo anxious and ready to see my baby and hold her and love her and kiss her and be her Mama! I can also admit that after my 38wk doctor's appointment on yesterday I was really disappointed to learn that I'd made no progress towards labor. My cervix is closed and high. Baby girl is in in rush to get here. Sigh. Does she not know how ready we are to meet her finally? It's been 9 long months! Only b/c I know that she's fully developed do I put this demand on her. My mama keeps telling me that I'm closer than I've ever been. Yeah, I get that but it's like being so close yet so far away.

I'm generally not a patient person, so this waiting is kinda a struggle for me. In part b/c I like to be able to plan and control things and when my labor begins is clearly nothing that I can control. This is a great opportunity, I suppose, for me to learn to relinquish my need to be in the know on everything and be in control. Baby girl will be born when its time, when she's ready and I'll just have to accept that I won't know beforehand when that is.....sigh.

If I wasn't being interrogated daily by coworkers and friends, whom I know mean well and only want to share in my joy and excitement, I think I'd fair a little better. If I had a dollar for every time someone said something like, "you're still here?", "when are you due again?", "wow...you're going to work all the way up the day huh?" I could retire a very wealthy woman. I try to just grin and bear it but it's soooo annoying. They just don't know that they are adding to my anxiousness. It's like people don't know anything else to say to me. Like we can't talk about anything but my pregnancy and/or babies. What did we talk about before I announced my pregnancy? I'm still an adult who likes to have adult conversations. Oh well, I give up. Hopefully, my last day at work will be next Friday, Good Friday. Maybe not, it just all depends. I have another Dr's appt scheduled for March 31st. I'll be checked again and again I'll be hoping for some progress. I keep saying that I won't get my hopes up, but I know me better than that.

The upside is that I am not at all worried or scared about giving birth. Maybe I've watched so much "A Baby's Story" and "Deliver Me" on Discovery Health that I feel like I've already experienced giving birth in its various forms. I love those shows b/c they show you the real deal. I do believe that I will have a favorable birth experience. I've been speaking only the positive over myself so that's just what I expect to happen. I don't really have a birth plan, per se, other than to endure the labor up to excruciating pain and then get the epidural. I'm open to doing whatever gets my baby here safely. No, I don't want a c-section, but if that's the best option at the time, then that's just what we'll do. I don't want a vacuum nor forceps, but if those are the cards we're dealt in order to get her delivered safely, then that's what we'll do. My mind is flexible in that regard..LOL. I don't want to be disappointed if things go one way and I expect them to go another.

In my mind, my water breaks, followed by consistent contractions and full dilation. An hour or so later after minimal pushing baby girl is born. See how pretty it is in my world? LOL