She's crying even when she's not crying....

at least in my head. On the very rare occasions that my precious daughter isn't yelling, screaming, whining or whimpering, and is sound asleep in my bed (a post for another day) I still hear her crying in my head. Like now for instance, she's fast asleep and I'm downstairs and I could swear that she's starting to cry. So I go part the way up the stairs to validate what I think I hear and nothing.....all I hear in her ocean lullaby Cd playing.

Does that mean that I'm just wired to respond and expect her to need me even when she doesn't? I feel like I'm always on "pause" never really in a moment, just trying to anticipate her next need/desire. I can honestly admit that I'm struggling to find a balance. Being a Mommy and a woman with her own needs and desires is hard. Anytime that I take the time out to do anything for myself I feel really guilty. Like going to the nail salon, out to dinner with friends, to the hair salon....hell, even to run errands, anytime I'm not with Olivia I feel like she thinks that I've abandoned her. I literally have to talk myself into following through on standing appointments that I have b/c being away from her for 8 hrs at work is a lot. Although I call and check on her twice a day, and I know she's in good, loving, caring hands. I still feel like I should be the one caring for her.

Maybe this feeling will dissipate when she gets older, or maybe it'll get worse.....I dunno. I just know that sometimes I get overwhelmed by it all and welcome the break, guilty feeling and all. Today was one of those days when I really needed some "me time" and I was so glad G was available and willing to let me take it. Whew....who knew that sleep would be a gift and taking a long, hot shower a sweet indulgence?