The Balance

Tomorrow I'm due to report back to work from maternity leave. No, I'm not ready. No, I don't want to go back to work, especially not that work. Given that my daughter has a head cold and now G is suffering from similar and worse symptoms, I seriously doubt that I'll make it to that dreaded (albeit necessary) place of employment. My plans were to have won either the Power Ball or Mega Millions lotteries by now so that the thought of returning to work would not have even formed in my brain. Alas, I have not yet won, but I'm not giving up!

G's Mama (otherwise known as Granny Ma) will be caring for the little one once I officially return to the workforce (unless of course I win the lottery or come into some other financial endowments which allow someone such freedoms...yet I digress...). It honestly does not seems natural to leave your child while you go and work. No, I haven't actually taken that action yet, but I anticipate that it will feel wrong...just WRONG! This day has certainly crept upon me. Yes, I knew it was coming but damn, so soon?

The other concern is clothes! I have a few pairs of slacks that I can still wear....barely. It's like my weight has shifted. The baby weight is gone (with no effort on my part)...the weight that remains is weight that I needed to lose even before becoming pregnant. So....I can't blame it on Olivia. I have ideals of making it to the gym, but that's so far fetched these days. If I didn't make it when I was childless, it's going to really take a concerted effort, a team effort even for me to get there now. Happily though, LA Fitness continues to debit my account monthly regardless to whether or not I ever step foot in one of their facilities again. I thought them taking $ out of my account would make me go during pregnancy, but it didn't. I just wanted to sleep and relax. And now guess what....all I want to do is sleep and relax! Ah yes, sleep.....I do have memories of what has become a phenomenon to me.

I'm all over the place in this post. Thoughts are rambling. Mentally attempting to prepare to depart from my child while also running a mental checklist of all that I need to get done today in order to comfortably leave her in her Grandmother's care tomorrow (if I go to work). I thought I'd be more ready for this, but I'm not. I'm sure Olivia will be just fine without me for a few hours, but I'm not so sure I'll be fine without her for 8 consecutive hours.

While I've miraculously managed to remain the only well one in the house, I feel sick at the thought of leaving my family tomorrow. This is just not right! I've got to find the home, life, work balance....and I guess it begins tomorrow.....**deep, long, exasperated sigh**

**Editors Note**
I have decided not to return to work until next Wednesday, June 2nd. I've bought (literally w/vacation days) myself another week so that I can care for my sick and shut-in.